5 Stages
by allonsy-wolf
Summary: They say that there are five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They say everyone goes through it if they have lost someone. But they don't know what it's like to be stuck in stage four... Five-part fic, sad!fic about Rose and Ten. Set after Doomsday.
1. Denial

_They say that there are five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They say everyone goes through it if they have lost someone. But they don't know what it's like to be stuck in stage four..._

**Denial**

She was gone.

For the first time in his life, he was forced to accept the truth he would never see Rose Tyler ever again.

But..._how_? How could he say goodbye to her, how could he leave her? No. She stayed for him once, and he would always find a way back to her. There had to be a way.

He hadn't accepted her death on Satellite 5, and he was right to have just felt numb. She was still alive. He had felt it then and he was feeling it now. Rose was alive! She wasn't dead. Of course he could get back to her.

He bounced around the TARDIS, coaxing it and twisting levers and smashing buttons in an all but desperate attempt to reach her. She was alive - she wasn't out of his reach.

That was when he found the small gap. And even though the hope he had almost began to overwhelm him, it forced him to realize the truth.

He could see her one last time, and then he would never see her again. She was dead. Officially, on his world, she was dead. In Pete's World, she was living and breathing and changing lives. She was attracting other males and he wasn't there to stake his claim. Pete's World got to see her beauty every single day, and he could only see her one more time.

There was no more denying. Rose Tyler was gone.

"But not yet!" the Doctor screamed at the TARDIS. "She's not gone yet! I can still see her - I can _see_ her, which means she isn't gone yet!"

* * *

"Take me back," Rose choked, pounding desperately on the walls. It hadn't happened, it couldn't have. This was just a dream, and if she screamed and punched and fought hard enough, she'd wake up in her room in the TARDIS, where the walls were softly humming along to the Doctor's hums while he tried to control his ship. It was how she normally woke up and how she wanted to always wake up.

It had to be a dream. She couldn't wake up staring at a new ceiling. A ceiling that she would see every single day. Never changing, never moving...never leaving.

No. It was a dream. She was so sure of it, so confident. It was a dream, and she would find her way back to the Doctor. Her Doctor, her love.

* * *

He didn't know when it began, but he soon found himself underneath the TARDIS console. He had always gone there when he was upset, and he assumed he always would. He had ended up on the floor, ripping at his hair and screaming randomly and just letting himself cry. It was unlike him - but it was better than the fury he felt like releasing.

He sat there for what could have been minutes, or hours, or days. The Lord of Time had lost all track of it the moment Rose lost her grip on the lever. He felt himself growing more and more insane, maddening and ripping and yelling and crying.

The TARDIS wouldn't cooperate with him. His Rose was in his reach. She was alive and breathing and he could have her again - but his ship simply couldn't defy the truth.

* * *

She woke up to a dull, still ceiling. There was no humming - only silence. Rose moved slowly, numbly, before a thought stopped her in her tracks.

Of course. He was her Doctor. This man, this wise and mad man, would find a way to come back for her. He always did. He always would. The Doctor saved Rose every time she needed to be saved, and there was no possible way he was going to stop now. She clung to the idea as if it were all she had - and, in almost every single aspect, it was.

She practically skipped out of her room, and she found her mum and Pete sitting solemnly on the couch.

"Rose?" they said in surprise, when she appeared almost chipper to make a cuppa.

"Hello," she said simply , pushing away the pang of pain that ran through her body.

"You're awful...cheery," Jackie said doubtfully.

"That's because I know the truth," Rose said, feeling almost giddy. "The Doctor has saved me before, and he isn't going to stop now. It'll be me and him on the TARDIS, the way it should be, before you know it!"

She left the room with her tea, and Pete and Jackie exchanged worried looks. "It's just..." Jackie began, stopping in shock when tears filled her eyes.

"Denial," Pete concurred gently.


	2. Anger

_They say that there are five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They say everyone goes through it if they have lost someone. But they don't know what it's like to be stuck in stage four..._

**Anger**

"That's my friend's," the Doctor muttered, looking down as a wave of anger overcame him. How dare this annoying, conceited bride touch her stuff, and how dare she _judge_ Rose? He tried to contain her anger, but Donna did it for him.

"Where is she, then, popped out for a space-walk?" Donna snapped sarcastically.

The Doctor thought of the moments just before this woman had appeared in his TARDIS. When he was crying for lost love, and where he knew in another universe that Rose was crying, too. His anger dissipated, and was replaced by a large, suffocating wave of sadness. He stared down at the shirt. "She's gone," he stated numbly.

This woman would never understand. This arrogant, blunt woman would never understand who Rose was, or how magnificent and clever and brilliant she was. He could never explain to anyone what she meant to him.

"Gone where?!" Donna retorted, rolling her eyes.

"I lost her," the Doctor said. His voice was thick with emotion and he swallowed to push it down. He quickly turned back to his console so she wouldn't see him breaking.

He wanted to snap at this bride, but the fury of a Time-Lord was something she didn't deserve. His fury was reserved for special circumstances.

_Still_, he thought bitterly. _This could be considered special_.

"Well, you can hurry up and lose me!" Donna snapped. When he didn't reply, she realized he was serious, and that he was upset. Her expression softened slightly. "How'd you mean, lost?"

He looked up at those words as anger filled him again. He swallowed thickly as Donna's question burned in his thoughts.

_Lost?! _he wanted to yell._ I mean, I screwed up! I lost her. I'll never see her again. I never even got to tell her the truth! I've lost everything. She was everything. I've lost her._

Instead, he stared at her coldly, shaking and trying to contain himself. He pushed himself off the console and brushed passed her, grabbing Rose's shirt forcefully as he passed by. "Right," the Doctor said. "Chiswick."

* * *

"Rose - "

"Get out!" Rose shrieked, throwing the vase full of flowers that her mum had only just brought her. "Just get out!"

Jackie dodged her daughter's throws, and tears sprung to her eyes. Jackie was emotional enough with the pregnancy, but her daughter's tantrum only added stress.

"Sweetheart, let me help you!" Jackie cried.

"Mum!" Rose yelled, storming around her room. She yanked violently on the sheets on her bed, pulling it off in one swift motion. Her mum would never understand. She would never know how angry Rose was at her.

"Rosie," Jackie pleaded as the tears began to stream down her face.

"No!" Rose screamed. "You don't get it! It's your fault, and it's Pete's fault! It's Torchwood's fault, it's all of your faults! You dragged me here, you _stole_ me from him!"

"Sweetheart, you were going to die," Jackie sobbed. "Your dad saved your life!"

"He is not my father!" Rose screeched, throwing a magazine. "He will _never_ be my father."

* * *

The Doctor watched in satisfaction as the universe finally went his way. He was finally in control. The water and the fire obeyed him, and his fury was released. After having everything ripped away from him, the Doctor was in control at last.

The water poured down on him as he drowned the remainders of the Racnoss. He listened to the Empress's screams, and his thoughts centered around his own internal agony. _Perhaps_, he thought, i_f I drown out her screams, I can drown out my own..._

"Doctor!"

Donna Noble's voice pulled him out of his thoughts. He looked down at her, feeling superior and godly and most of all, angry.

"You can stop now," Donna told him gently.

He looked away from her, back to the Empress. He opened his mouth to explain to Donna that he didn't want to stop. His agony wasn't drowning yet. But no words came out.

* * *

"Rose."

"Mickey?"

Rose glanced up in surprise. She was in her new Torchwood office, organizing files and trying not to destroy anything.

Mickey was leaning in the doorway, looking in concern at her and her dark office. All the blinds were pulled and the light was dim. She had made it that way so - in case she did break down or break something - no one would see her.

"You alright, mate?"

A twinge of pain surged through her body as his words brought back a memory.

_"You alright, mate?" she asked the drunk who was hiding in the shadows. They had a small conversation, and he amused her by asking what year it was. She remembered the drunk's words very clearly._

_"I bet you're gonna have a real great year!" he had enthused. The memory brought pain because the drunk's words had been true. It had been the beginning of the best years of her life._

"Yeah," she said, turning away from him and back to her work. She didn't talk to him anymore, and neither did he, but he stood there and watched her for a moment before sighing and leaving. He closed he door tightly behind him.

At the sound of the lock clicking, Rose stopped shuffling the papers around and took a deep breath. The memory of the drunk on the corner was bothering her, and she couldn't figure out why. She thought back to every detail, until she finally tried to think of his face.

She gasped when she remembered. Tall, lanky, and pale-looking. Wearing converse sneakers and an overcoat. He was older and sick, but it was definitely the same man.

Her Doctor.

Her second Doctor, the one who had loved her back. She had met him before she had met her first - or his ninth incarnation - and it baffled her. He didn't remember meeting her. Or at least he never mentioned it.

Then, she realized, it was his future self. The Doctor she would never get to know. And that future self was dying.

Somewhere in his future, the Doctor was dying in 2005 by the Powell Estates. And she couldn't do nothing about it.

Anger surged through her like an electric shock, and she lashed out in her office. She threw papers and her coffee mug, and ran her fingers through her hair and pulled angrily. She was getting ready to shred the papers in her hands when the titles caught her eye.

_Dimension Cannon_.

She stopped her rampage as she looked them over. She could go back. She could save his life and stop him from dying. Of course. It was so simple, so easy. Her anger didn't disappear. No, it built and built. But she harvested it into her work, plotting dozens of different designs and plans, and yelling at everyone when the design didn't work.

Her anger was what motivated her to save her Doctor.

* * *

A Time-Lord's fury coursed through his veins as the Doctor stared at Solomon. An innocent man, trying to end a war, had just been killed.

And after all this time, after everything the Doctor had dealt with. He lost his family. He lost his friends. He lost his _Rose_. All because the Daleks were selfish and impenitent and cruel. He was tired of having everything taken from him. They always survived. No matter how many times he killed them, the Daleks always survived. Even when he lost everything, they kept on living.

He stepped over Solomon and passed Frank, eyes trained on the Dalek who killed in cold blood.

"Alright, so it's my turn!" he yelled. "Then kill me! Kill me if it'll stop you attacking these people!"

"I will be the destroyer of our greatest enemy!" the Dalek cried victoriously.

"Then do it!" the Doctor screamed. "Do it, just do it! Do it!"

His anger overtook him, and he stated at the Dalek, awaiting death. He gestured to himself repeatedly as he shouted at the metal monster.

_I'm coming, Rose_, was the only thing he could think. He didn't care in the moment if he died. He didn't care if he would never save another life. He was saving these people, and he was finally saving himself. Drowning that agony the way he had tried to before. He would be free, and he could see her again.

"Exterminate!" the Dalek crowed.

But nothing happened.

The Doctor watched in shock as the Dalek argued with itself and the human Dalek. The death the Doctor had awaited wasn't coming, and he wanted to know why.

"What's going on?!" the Doctor shouted.

_Why won't you drown my agony?_

_**A/N: WOW! Thanks for the feedback on this! In case you couldn't tell, this is A five-part story. I will try to update as much as possible, but I'm trying to get everything perfect! This story was based on a YouTube video, and the link can be found on my profile! Please review, or favorite, or follow. Much love xxx Kat**_


	3. Bargaining

_They say that there are five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They say everyone goes through it if they have lost someone. But they don't know what it's like to be stuck in stage four..._

_(**__**Warning**__** This chapter contains swearing on Rose's part. Don't read it if it will bother you.)_

**Bargaining**

"Doctor?" Martha said gently.

He looked up from his console after a moment's hesitation. He cleared his throat as he looked at her, shifting the glasses on his nose. "Yes?"

Martha looked almost disappointed, and she shook her head and turned back to the halls of the TARDIS. "Nothing," she mumbled, beginning to walk. "G'night."

"Oh, yes," the Doctor said, whipping back to his console and pressing few buttons and several levers. "A good night indeed. The TARDIS is purring, Martha, purring! A smooth and good night indeed."

He heard her sigh loudly and he continued to run around the console, trying to control his ship. Once he heard Martha's bedroom door close, he stopped where he was and stared numbly at the controls in front of him.

He could see Rose, in front of him. It had become his new obsession. He waited for the moments where he could see her in his mind, and when his mind made her appear in his ship. If he thought hard enough and if he believed enough, she was actually there, still going on adventures with him. She was there with ought being there, and it was more than he had bargained for.

He knew he was probably mad, but he couldn't draw himself to care. He didn't care about anything as long we he could see her again.

In his memory, she was sitting in his chair, watching him whip around crazily and babble about nothing and everything all at once. He watched her smile, so full of life, and he wanted to step forward and touch her face.

But she was just a memory. Just an image. No touch.

* * *

Rose felt all of her molecules separate and travel rapidly through the air. It was painful and it was a process that she had endured every single day.

They began to come back together, and she felt her blood rush in relief as she materialized. She began to congratulate her team for the success when she realized her feet weren't touching the ground. She yelled in sudden shock as she began to fall, and her team shouted in fear.

She was roughly five feet off the ground, and she fell fairly quickly. She hit the ground on one ankle before crumpling down. She wanted to scream as the pain seared through her veins, but no sound came out. Instead, she lay flat and let her team catch up to her, all shouting.

"Rose! Are you alright?"

"Call the hospital!"

"I put the coordinates in wrong, Rose, I'm so sorry!"

"Can you hear me, sweetie?"

Rose blinked rapidly, not really replying to any of the people who fussed around her. She was distracted by her thoughts.

_We were so close_, Rose wanted to shout. _We had it all figured out. I was so close, my Doctor, so close..._

She closed her eyes and let the people take care of her, surprised at how quickly they got her in an ambulance to take her to the infirmary. She could almost imagine she was in the TARDIS, sitting in the Doctor's chair as he ran frantically around his ship's controls, banging and cursing and babbling about things she would never understand.

Perhaps if the Dimension Cannon was done, she could actually be there. Maybe if she had tried working harder on it. Maybe if she had told the Doctor sooner. He would have found a way back.

_Why couldn't I have held on to that lever? _Rose thought angrily. _I could still be with him if I hadn't gone and messed everything up._

* * *

"Rose!" the Doctor screamed, letting go of the magnaclamp with one hand to reach towards her. He felt his two hearts stop as a cold wave of terror coursed through his cells. His everything was about to become nothing. "Rose!"

John Smith opened his eyes groggily, startled by the dream. He sat up slowly, allowing himself to be reassured by the study he was in. His vivid dream of one Rose Tyler had left him disturbed, and he reached automatically for the journal he kept by his bed. He was having quite a lot of these mad dreams, and he had taken to writing them down in his Journal of Impossible Things. He quickly sketched the beautiful blonde he had tried so desperately to save. His one human heart started pounding rapidly as he recalled the terror of almost losing her. He began to write notes, anything he thought of, when he stopped himself in the middle of a sentence.

_"She is my s - "_

John shook his head and stared at the book, confused. The character, Rose, had seemed so real to him. For a moment, he was the Doctor. A man who was afraid to love but loved her unconditionally, and whose hearts were broken when she was gone. He was that man, that alien, and he was in love with this Rose, and it scared him. He didn't want to be that man.

A quick thought raced through his mind. It had been a thought in his dreams where he had been the Doctor. One where he had been with his handmaid, Martha, where she was the alien's companion.

_I'll be human for Rose_, he had thought in the dream. _Perhaps if I am human for her, she'll come back to me..._

* * *

Rose lurched up from her sleep, gasping and in a cold sweat. Her ankle had been broken, so she had been forced into bed-rest. But ever since her broken ankle, she had been having insane dreams of the Doctor, where he called himself John Smith and he was a professor who was falling in love with the school-nurse. It terrified her to no end because they had seemed so real.

She always felt drained after the dreams, though. In her dreams, her subconscious tried to force back truthful memories, where John Smith was a character and the Doctor was real. Her subconscious fought her dreams, and last night it had fought with images of the Doctor screaming her name as she was pulled towards her death.

She shook her head and gave up on the bed-rest, clambering out of bed. She began to shudder as the dreams took over her again, and soon she began to cry.

"I'll plead to any god on any damn planet in any damn galaxy. Hell, I'll pray to _him_, my Doctor," Rose muttered. "I'll do damn-near anything to get back to him. Because somewhere in a parallel universe, he's human and he's falling in love with someone else and he needs me and I'll need him. I'll never do anything bad again. I'll save everyone. I'll give up myself. I'll do anything to get back to him. I'd become the Bad Wolf again - "

Rose stopped talking. Originally, she had just been ranting, pleading - bargaining. But now, she had an idea, and it was an idea that she intended to act upon. She _was_ the Bad Wolf. She got back to her Doctor once.

She could sure as hell do it again.

* * *

The Doctor felt guilty.

He had long-since been John Smith, but he still held on to the human's Journal of Impossible Things. John had written everything the Doctor had experienced. He wished he could have explained to the human - himself - what was going on, but there wasn't any possible way.

But that wasn't why he felt guilty.

As he stared at the human version of himself's journal, he stumbled across the page filled about Rose. It had taken up several pages, written in a barely-legible scrawl. His fingers traced over the words that had halted so suddenly.

_She was my -_

"Soul mate," the Doctor finished, touching Rose's image gently. Guilt overwhelmed him as he stared at the beautiful image of his human girl, his Rose.

The Doctor closed the book and put it down before closing his eyes. "Maybe I should have told you, Rose," he whispered, broken. "What if I had? Would you still be here? Would that have changed anything? Or...would it just have made the hurt worse?"

The Doctor swallowed thickly. Martha was asleep down the hall, but he was getting the feeling she wouldn't be there for much longer. He shook his head and moved from the spot he stood in.

He was in his Rose's room. He barely touched anything. He left it exactly as it was. _"Maybe if I leave it as it is, she'll come back and it'll be like nothing ever happened," _he always thought confidently. He often wandered in there, though, sometimes dusting so it would be clean when she returned. He picked up one of her jackets and held it softly in his hands.

"No," he decided. "It wouldn't have hurt worse. It would have been worth it, my precious, precious girl."

He sighed and put the jacket down. He was a daft and old alien who had no right to love Rose Tyler. But he did, and he loved her unconditionally, and he wished he could have told her.

"If only I told you, love, you'd still be here," the Doctor whispered, leaning against the door-frame. "But you know...you have to know."

He could almost hear her replying.

* * *

She was in the kitchen, fixing herself a cuppa when she heard his voice.

_"You know. You have to know."_

She dropped her cup and it shattered on the floor, but she didn't care. He had spoken to her. It meant there was a breach. She had heard his voice, which meant there was a breach and he was finding his way back to her. _Know what? _she thought, before the answer became clear.

"I know, my Doctor," Rose whispered. "And I love you, too."

With the hope that there was a newly founded breach in the universe, Rose immediately dialed her Torchwood team, alerting them that she was coming in to work in an hour and that they were testing the cannon again. Her time window was short, and with her luck, the breach was closing. She was grateful she was finally out of that cast, even if her ankle still hurt. She would always have a scar there.

"If only he could see it," she muttered with a grimace. "Then he'd know how desperately I needed to get back to him."

**A/N: WHOAAAA. I am getting such lovely feedback about this story ^.^ I even made a new cyber buddy because of it c: dawh, you guys (; OKAY so this chapter was really hard for me to write! I was just in a block! I did a ton of research on bargaining, though, and I have gone through this stage myself, so hopefully I captured the emotions well enough.**

**ALSO I encourage you to check out my newest series of one-shots entitled "Beautifully Human." They are pure fluff, some could be angst. I also take requests for those...*hint hint wink wink nudge***

**Finally, please review, favorite, follow, all that jazz. It makes me very happy ^.^**

**much love xxx Kat**


	4. Depression

_They say that there are five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They say everyone goes through it if they have lost someone. But they don't know what it's like to be stuck in stage four..._

**Depression**

"It's ready, Rosie."

Rose cleared her throat and looked up at her coworker, Tosh. She had grown quite close to Tosh, and was almost upset to leave her. "Right coordinates?"

"Everything is set up. It's all ready to go, Rose," Tosh promised her. "We've got your Vortex Manipulator ready as well. Everything is ready and prepped to get you back to the Doctor."

Rose wished she were excited. Of course, she was thrilled. She was finally getting back to the Doctor. But she had long-since passed her denial stage, and now she knew that she could just be fooling herself once again.

She tried desperately to ignore the grief that washed over her. She should be happy. She could see him soon.

* * *

"Rose!"

The word slipped off his lips before he could stop them. He could have sworn he saw her only moments earlier, but then she disappeared.

The Doctor blinked, sure he was going insane. She had looked as beautiful as ever. In his imagination, her blonde hair was just a little longer, and she had been wearing a blue leather jacket that quite resembled his Ninth incarnations. He shook his head. He was just imagining things.

She wasn't there, she couldn't be there, and she never would be there. He was just a mad old man who was slowly losing his mind.

* * *

"That bin there," the redhead said. "Right, it'll all make sense. Just that bin there!"

Rose watched as the redhead turned rushed away, and then she turned back to the crime scene. She knew what was coming next. The redhead and the Doctor had just saved the world. He invited her to come with him, and she agreed. Rose could watch the TARDIS fade away, and she could hear the noise, but she couldn't interfere with the Doctor and his newest companion. She looked over the crime scene one more time before turning and walking away. She didn't press any buttons on her Vortex Manipulator, but she started to fade, and soon she found herself back at Torchwood.

She blinked, surprised at the tears that were filling her eyes. It upset her that she couldn't go into the TARDIS. All she had strived towards, and she couldn't interfere with reality.

She felt empty.

* * *

"Doctor?"

_Her name was Rose..._

"Doctor."

_She's gone...I lost her._

"Doctor."

_She is my s -_

"Doctor!"

The Doctor blinked several times, glancing up from the console. He looked up at Donna, his newest companion.

"You're bonkers!" Donna informed him. "I don't want to travel with a Martian who blanks out!"

"I'm not - " the Doctor began to say, before he just closed his mouth and then looked back to the monitor on the console. He fiddled with random buttons.

"No smart retort?" Donna said, sounding surprised.

The Doctor closed his eyes and shook his head. "Not today, Donna."

He wasn't seeing Rose anymore. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't see her. She was in the past, and he was in the present. Donna helped him realize that. He swallowed before putting on a fake smile.

He felt empty and hollow, and the grief was eating him from the inside, out. In his 900 years, never once did the Doctor imagine his two hearts could feel so depressed.

"Right, then. Where to?"

"Doctor," Donna said gently. It was strange for the Doctor to see this feisty red-headed woman grow soft. "You don't have to pretend. I'm not daft. You still miss her...what was her name, again?"

The Doctor looked up at Donna. The hollowness grew deeper. He was lonely, even if he did have Donna.

"R - " the Doctor began, before her name caught in his throat. He shook his head as tears filled his eyes and then he moved around the console quickly, hiding from Donna. Then he snapped bitterly, "Doesn't matter. She's in the past. We're in the present - and future!"

"We can go to the past," Donna reminded him. A wave of hurt took over his body, and the Doctor almost stumbled at the pain.

"My past," he muttered brokenly. "She's in my past. We can't go to my past."

* * *

"You alright, Rosie?"

Rose looked up from her preparations. She was getting ready to send a message to the Doctor. It was the only contact that both Torchwoods were allowing her.

Captain Jack Harkness looked at her, his eyes knowing.

"Fine," she said. Her voice cracked. Jack raised an eyebrow and Rose took a shaky breath and smiled. "Just...shaken up. I...thought I saw him."

Jack nodded and kissed Rose's forehead. "The mission is almost over, Rose," he reassured her. You only have a few hours till you can see him. We have several weeks."

"All thanks to this!" Rose said. She faked happiness and plastered a lying smile on her face. She couldn't admit how hollow and numb she felt. She was lost inside herself, of memories when he held her hand and kissed her hair and looked at her like she was the most important woman in the world. Now, she felt like she barely even existed.

"It's time for the messages, Rose," Jack said gently. Rose smiled at him again, determined to prove she wasn't as vacant and lonely as she truly was.

* * *

The Doctor lifted his hand up and placed it on Rose's bedroom door. He had just caused the explosion at Pompeii, and it added guilt to his grief. His emptiness had gotten worse in the few weeks he had spent with Donna. He felt hollow and numb and sometimes didn't hear a word she said.

Three words kept echoing in his head, and it was enough to spark some sort of humanity.

"She is returning."

The Doctor was evidently hopeful that the statement was about Rose. His Bad Wolf, his Rose, his s -

He cleared his throat as the thoughts crossed his mind. The hope and humanity were quickly replaced by crippling pain. He turned his back to the door, leaning on it, and then slid down it until he was sitting against it. He brought his hands to his face and wiped away the tears he didn't know where falling.

"This place is wizard!"

The Doctor looked up, startled, and tried to stand, but he was too late. Donna looked at him with raised eyes.

"What's this about, then?" Donna asked. She looked at the door, the pink and yellow door, and her expression softened. "Come on, then, Doctor. Let's get you some tea."

* * *

"Doctor!" Rose yelled. "Doctor!

For a brief moment, she had seen him. The back of his head. His beautiful hair. He was there. She shouted for him, desperate, but the connection was quickly lost. Rose sat back, shocked, and tears began to fill her eyes.

"You alright, Rose?"

"Yeah," Rose croaked, straightening up. "Just tired. Thats the second message I've sent him. Now it's time for me to go to Donna's parallel world..."

She tried to keep her voice steady. She did it for him. If she could act like she was fine, then the Doctor would believe and come back for her.

As Ianto and Gwen set the next coordinates on her Vortex Manipulator, she realized how truly void she was.

Gwen gave the okay to Jack, and Captain Jack Harkness sent Rose into the future.

As her atoms scattered, her emptiness consumed her. She wanted to cry in pain, but she couldn't find the strength. When she landed in the Torchwood base, atoms all intact, she fell to the floor and began to cry.

She felt as though her life were caving in on her.

Rose Tyler began to wish she didn't exist.

* * *

The Doctor was broken and he could physically feel it.

He had lost himself a long time ago, and now it left him confused. He wasn't sure who he was anymore, and no matter how desperately he tried to find himself, he couldn't.

He had lost Donna, and he had lost Rose again. He had - quite literally - lost himself. Or, at least, the human extension of himself. He was alone, and he was afraid, and he was confused.

He had tried so desperately to save all those people on Mars because he needed to feel something. Instead, it left him more hollow than ever. He thought he had found himself when he realized he was a Time-Lord. He could control time. But all that realization did was proof he was more insane than ever.

He wished he could describe how deeply he hated himself.

**A/N: You guys make me so happy with your reviews and follows and favorites^.^ Wow, so, okay. This chapter. I hope it doesn't offend anyone, and I apologize for it. Its kind of triggering. This chapter was really hard for me to write. I do know what I'm writing about, though, but hopefully I captured the words and the emotion well enough. Please review, follow, favorite, all that jazz if you haven't already! I love you all. You are incredible.**

**(Oh, and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE if there is anything you need, a friend or someone to talk to, PM me. I won't judge you for anything. I swear. If I can help and you need help, then let me help. Please xxxxx)**

**xxKat ^.^ :***


	5. Acceptance - Part One

**Acceptance**

_People assume that when they reach the final stages of their grief - acceptance - that they will finally be "alright" and be happy. Unfortunately, this isn't the case for most people suffering. The acceptance stage is much deeper, and much, much darker._

Slowly, the Doctor felt his body wake up. His limbs responded to his brain, and he found that he could move. He very shakily shifted, until it hurt to move any further. The Doctor swallowed, and then suddenly it hit him.

_I'm alive._

"I'm alive," he breathed shakily, amazed. "I'm...I'm still alive."

He laughed, relieved, but the sound was strangled as it caught in his throat. He couldn't begin to describe the ease he felt. The knocking had passed him by and he had survived.

_I've done it. I've lived. I'm still alive._

He began to get up, ignoring his protesting body, when four quick sounds made him freeze once again.

Knocking.

_So it's all been a lie, _the Doctor thought. He felt numb_. It's always led up to this_.

Four more knocks.

He couldn't even turn his head to see who was knocking. He knew. He always knew.

Another set of knocking.

The Doctor finally found strength, and he stood on shaky legs to face his killer. Wilfred. Of course. It had to come down to Wilfred. _Rassilon forbid it be anyone else._

Wilfred knocked four more times before the Doctor finally stepped towards him. The Doctor sucked in a deep breath, knowing that he was not ready for his song to end.

"They're gone, then?" Wilfred asked lightly. The Doctor knew that Wilf didn't understand how serious this conversation would be. "Yeah, good-o... If you could let me out..."

Wilfred looked hopefully at the Doctor. The poor man didn't understand the price one of them would have to pay. And it was so painfully obvious which one of them it was. The Doctor realized he hadn't responded, and said very gently, "Yeah."

Because he could, in fact, let Wilfred Noble out. He could save Wilfred and kill himself. Or he could leave Wilfred to die on his own.

But the answer was obvious. He had already stolen one Noble. He refused - he outright refused - to take another.

"I mean, the thing seems to be makin' a bit of noise..." Wilfred rambled. He was scared - and he had a reason to be. His life was on the line. The Doctor took a deep breath as he prepared his explanation.

"The Master..." the Doctor began, before he realized how much his voice was shaking. He took a steadying breath and then continued. "He left the nuclear bomb on. It's gone into overload."

Wilfred chuckled nervously. "That's bad, is it?" he asked.

The Doctor knew this part would be the hardest to explain. How all the nuclear energy was powered to drain into the glass trap that held Wilfred. How the bomb would only be taking one life today. The Doctor wasn't quite sure what he said, but he got his point across. He could tell by the shocked look on poor Wilfred Noble's face.

* * *

"What d'ya mean?" Rose asked, shocked.

The Human Doctor shrugged sheepishly. "It's hard to explain, Rose..."

"It's hard to understand," Rose whispered, wrapping her arms around herself. The Human Doctor stepped forward, opening his arms. It was an invitation. Usually, he would have just wrapped her up and never let her go. But she was scared and she had just received quite a bit of news, and she was accepting the facts.

He could wait for her to understand.

* * *

It had been his darkest hour.

The Doctor had thrown a fit, throwing papers and screaming that it wasn't fair. He had been tempted to leave Wilfred, but no matter how much he talked about it, the Doctor knew he never would.

It was as he took those final steps towards the other side of the glass prison that he began to wonder what acceptance was.

He listened to Wilfred's desperate pleas to leave him there. The Doctor could barely hear anything over the hum of the nuclear bomb.

The Doctor opened the door and closed it tightly behind him, slamming the button that set Wilfred free. "No!" Wilfred yelled as the door opened.

_Just in time_. If there was one thing the Doctor was good at, it was time. The radiation began to hit his body, and he felt bursts of pain everywhere.

He wasn't quite sure what happened after that, because all he could see was Rose. And all he could think of was his final stage of grief.

_So this is it_, he thought miserably. _I'll never accept it. She's gone, truly gone, and I'll never accept it. I'll die as a depressed, old man..._

"Don't you dare," the Rose image snapped. She was crying, desperately crying, and the Doctor became aware that he was on the ground. He curled up, wanting to scream in pain. "Fight, my Doctor. Fight the pain. Don't you dare let it take you over. Come back to me. Don't you dare let it take you over."

The Doctor put his hand on his head, trying desperately for one more chance. His mind searched for his ship, and she searched back for him. _Please_, he thought. _Save me_.

He felt a warmth as the heart of the TARDIS opened. He was seeing inside, and it was saving him. He could see himself living. He was alive and breathing. _The TARDIS was saving him!_

He saw Rose again. Both himself and Rose, holding hands and walking down a street and picking random fruits and eating them. It wasn't a memory because he didn't remember it. The TARDIS was showing him his future.

_But how?_ the Doctor wanted to scream.

And then the TARDIS was gone. Barely two seconds of agony had passed since his connection with his ship, and he still wasn't dead.

The Rose image was still there, though, and her face had grown more desperate as the tears flowed more freely. "Fight, damn it, Doctor! Fight for me!"

* * *

The Human Doctor held Rose as she cried. Weeks had passed since he had given her his news, and now she needed him to hold her.

"I'm so sorry," she sobbed, clinging to his jacket and pulling him closer. "I'm so, so sorry."

* * *

He was regenerating.

It hadn't taken him long to figure out. He had felt strange ever since he stood up in the glass prison. He just assumed it was the radiation.

In the end, it wasn't seeing into the heart of the TARDIS that had saved him. It had been his Rose, his lovely Rose image, screaming for him to fight for her. He didn't know what she meant, but he was willing to fight. Anything for her.

He thought back to what the TARDIS had shown him. His future. He knew it wasn't his future now. He had been with Rose in that future as his tenth incarnation - not his eleventh. He knew his feelings for Rose weren't going to stay when the new Doctor came. This Doctor wasn't being born out of love. He would be born out of war and madness.

He needed to see her again. He knew he had to see her again. If he would never feel this way - if he would never love her with every fiber of his being - then he had to see her one last time.

He was sensible, and he said goodbye to all his other companions. He wasn't in a lot of pain. The regeneration process had been taking longer. He saved Rose for last. He knew he couldn't see her in any of the years he knew her. He couldn't kiss her or touch her or even tell her he loved her. And he certainly couldn't go to the parallel universe. But he had to see her. And so he did.

* * *

"I remember that!" Rose cried as her Doctor - John Smith - explained to her what the full Doctor was doing. "I remember a drunk ole' block lurking about my house. I tried to help him, but he seemed like he didn't want to be bothered. He told me I was going to have a great year..."

The Doctor smiled and kissed her knuckles. "You're going to have plenty of fantastic years, too."

* * *

"You alright, mate?"

The Doctor didn't really have a conversation with her. To her, he was just a drunk bloke on the street. To him, she was his entire universe. She cared about him - or maybe just people in general - because she tried to help as best she could.

"I bet you're gonna have a really great year," he blurted out before he could stop himself. His last moments with her would he her first moments with him.

Acceptance.

This was his accepting stage, he realized. He knew death was coming, and Rose Tyler would never know he was gone. She would always be happy. She had such a great future ahead of her. Away from men like Jimmy Stone and with knowledge superior to this world. If she was happy, then he could be anything.

* * *

"Are you happy?" the Human Doctor randomly blurted as he and Rose walked through Torchwood. She stopped, surprised, but gave him a small smile.

"Course I am, you plum," she whispered, kissing him gently.

* * *

He had accepted it. He was dying. He was fine. He could do this.

So why was he so afraid?

He wanted to yell out and cry and run away. This was one adventure he wasn't ready for. He couldn't put it off any longer, though. It was time to go.

_Alright, you daft old alien_, the Doctor thought as tears filled his eyes. _One last time. You might not ever say it again._

He opened his mouth, but all that came out was a deep, raspy breath.

_Allons-y. Say it. One more time. Allons-y. Say it!_

"I don't want to go."

And then the burning began.

Everything burned, every cell being rewritten. He was changing and he was leaving, and he was dying.

_Rose_, he managed to scream in his head. Fire was everywhere. It was destroying his ship, his beautiful ship. Everything was crashing. Never had he ever had a regeneration so powerful.

Then, the ripping began.

He felt himself being ripped in to. He was still fully himself, but he was splitting. Something was wrong. He never split in a regeneration. He wanted to panic, but something wouldn't let him.

He was being ripped from his own body, while he remained in his own body.

The Doctor screamed as the final stages passed, and then he opened his eyes.

He lurched up, shocked, and found the TARDIS - his TARDIS! - surrounding him. Nothing was on fire - well, mostly.

"It's _you_."

The voice was stunned...and familiar. Y_es. Familiar! Who was it?_

"Oh, yes!" he said quickly. He caught sight of Donna Noble, who was staring at him in shock. _It's me. If only you knew how 'me' it truly was!_

She glanced down for a second before looking up uncomfortably.

"You're naked," she stated, swallowing.

_I'm naked?! Oh, Donna, focus oh something else! It's so much more than that! I'm alive, I'm me! I'm the tenth incarnation...but I can't remember who I am..._

"Oh, yes."

**A/N: Confused? Me too O.o it took me a long time to write this chapter (as it is highly confusing) but I think I finally figured it out. I hope. Thoughts?**

**GUYS READ THIS PART IT'S IMPORTANT I ALMOST PUT NOTES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORY BECAUSE OF HOW IMPORTANT THIS NEXT PART IS!**

**Okay. Did you notice that there was a lot of Doctor and not a lot of Rose? Well, yes, that was planned. my original acceptance chapter was so, so very long and it didn't make sense. So I rewrote it like this, with mainly the Doctor. For now. But the story isn't over. No, no. There is now a part six, guys. Of Rose's acceptance stage. Well, both of their acceptance stages...*grins***

**PLEASE REVIEW! I'll update quicker(:**

**xxxxxx Kat (:**


	6. Acceptance - Part Two

**Acceptance**

* * *

_People assume that when they reach the final stages of their grief – acceptance – that they will finally be "alright" and be happy. Unfortunately, this isn't the case for most people suffering. The acceptance stage is much deeper, and much, much darker._

"But…he's not _you_," Rose said in a broken voice. The Human Doctor tried not to feel his heart break. Rose, his Rose, was staring at the fully Time Lord Doctor, with a look none of them could describe.

_If only you knew, Rose,_ the Human Doctor thought as his throat constricted a bit.

"He needs you," the original Doctor said. "That's very me."

"But it's better than that!" Donna said, stepping forward. Rose looked at her, tears filling her eyes. All she could think of was how he had left her on this beach before. She understood why he couldn't take her then – he was an image. But now he was real, and he wasn't an image…and he expected her to stay in the parallel world and 'fix' the other Doctor. "Don't you see what he's trying to give you? _Tell _her, go on!"

The Human Doctor felt a wave of relief come over him. He knew that Donna understood. He had tried to explain it to her, and now she finally understood. He was the Doctor – the future Doctor, sent back into the past. He couldn't tell Rose here, not with his present self staring at them. It would cause a paradox, and they were already at a risk. But he could tell Rose that he could spend the rest of his life with her.

She looked back at him, and his expression softened slightly. "I look like him. I think like him. Same memories, same thoughts…same everything." _Same feelings_. "Except I've only got one heart."

Rose felt a glimmer of hope in her chest. She wished she could repress it, but how could she? This was her Doctor. She was so confused, but looking at him, all she could feel was love and hope. "Which means?" she asked. She didn't dare hope. She was still so confused. They weren't the same man…but a part of her was screaming that they were.

"I'm part human…specifically the aging part," he informed her. He watched as her eyes flashed in disbelief – and a little bit of longing. "I'll grow old and _never _regenerate. I've only got one life, Rose Tyler." He couldn't help himself from saying her name. It fit so perfectly and fell off his tongue with such ease. "I could spend it with you." She looked speechless, and a little bit afraid, so he added, "If you want."

"You'll gr-grow old at the same time as me?" she asked, as if the words weren't true.

The Human Doctor felt his heart swell, and he could feel her caving in. She wanted it, she wanted him, and once he could explain to her that he was the same person, she wouldn't regret anything. "Together," he promised. She shook her head, still not believing, and stepped forward.

He stood still. He knew she needed confirmation, and so he let her put her hand on his chest. One heartbeat.

The moment was intimate, and Rose could feel herself falling for this Human Doctor. The Time Lord Doctor tried not to say anything as he felt his two hearts shatter. Rose would be happy with his metacrisis incarnation. That incarnation could give her everything that the full alien couldn't.

The TARDIS hummed angrily, informing everyone that the breech was about to close. "We've gotta go," the full Time Lord said. Rose began to cry. "This reality is sealing itself off…forever."

He couldn't say the secret message behind those words. _Once I leave, I can never come back and see you…so have a fantastic life with him. Your Doctor._

The original Doctor turned, and he and Donna began towards to TARDIS.

"But – " Rose protested, running towards them. "It's still not right, 'cause… The Doctor's still you."

"And I'm _him_," the Doctor said.

Rose swallowed as an idea formed in her head. "Alright, then. Both of you. Answer me this. When I last stood on this beach – on the _worst _day of my life – what was the last thing you said to me?"

She stared at the Time Lord Doctor as he didn't reply, and then prodded, "Go on. _Say _it."

The full Doctor swallowed, knowing where she was going with her question. "I said 'Rose Tyler'."

"Yeah, and…? How was that sentence gonna end?"

"Does it need saying?"

The Human Doctor felt a surge of anger rush through him quickly. Had he really been that daft? Of _course _it needed saying. This was Rose, _his _Rose, his Bad Wolf.

Rose looked at the original Doctor in disbelief. She turned slowly to the Doctor who had offered her his whole life. "And _you_, Doctor?" He couldn't even describe the feeling of happiness that raced through him at the mention of his name. "What was the end of that sentence?"

He was already leaning it, putting his hand on her arm and leaning to her ear. He whispered the words he knew she longed to hear, the words that his past self would never have the courage to say until he reached this moment. He poured all of his emotions into just a few short words, wanted his Rose to know exactly how he felt, and how he would always feel. When he pulled back, the look in her eyes had changed.

She had accepted him.

* * *

The next day, after a long day of tears and emotions and trying to figure out who they were, the Human Doctor sat Rose down and took her hands in his.

"I know you're upset and that you aren't sure what to think of me," the Doctor began. Rose's eyes softened and she opened her mouth to speak. "No, Rose, let me talk for a moment. This is going to be real hard to explain, and I just need to know you'll listen."

"I always listen to you, Doctor," Rose said. She couldn't explain it, but she loved this human version of her Doctor as much as she loved the alien one. She still felt like there was something missing, a connection she hadn't gotten.

"Right now, the real Doctor is saying goodbye to Donna and Wilfred and Sylvia," the Doctor began. Rose opened her mouth again, but the Doctor cut her off. "I know I already told you. But there's more than that…because I can tell you exactly what's going to happen to him in the next few weeks. He'll travel alone, because he can't get over the loss of his best friend, and his fatherly figure, and technically himself and the loss of you. He'll go mad, and he'll lose himself and try to save people that shouldn't be saved. He'll change a fixed point in time because he thinks he can, and because he's going mad. He'll battle an old friend, come face-to-face with Wilfred, and then go to his death."

Tears filled Rose's eyes. "How do you know that?" she asked. He silenced her with a quick kiss.

"Then…he'll regenerate. It'll be his most powerful regeneration, because he is literally splitting into two…" The Doctor took a deep breath. "His tenth incarnation is fully splitting from his eleventh. The tenth incarnation is becoming its own self. That incarnation was still the Doctor, and the eleventh Doctor will still remember everything the tenth did. But the tenth incarnation will be fully separated from the eleventh, two different souls. And the TARDIS will store the tenth soul and send it back through time and space, to the exact moment that Donna Noble placed her hand on the container holding my hand."

Rose furrowed her eyebrows, confused. "I don't understand…"

The Doctor let go of Rose's hands to place his palm gently on her cheek. "I'm the Doctor, Rose," he said softly. "I went through all of those moments and I lived through the final battle, and I regenerated. And when I regenerated, the TARDIS separated my soul into two and sent me back to become this. It's always led up to this. We've always been meant to be together in this world. I'm the Doctor, the future Doctor, send back into the past."

"What d'ya mean?" Rose asked, shocked.

He knew she didn't understand, and that maybe she never would. He opened his arms to her and she fell in them easily. "The Doctor and I are the same person. When we saved those twenty-seven planets not even that long ago, there was the past version and the future version. I'm the future version."

"So you've literally spent weeks in misery before you came back to me, thinking you'd never see me again?" Rose murmured. She began to cry, silently, and the Doctor rocked her back and forth, murmuring sweet nothings to reassure her.

* * *

"Rose!" Tosh yelled as Rose ran into the Torchwood facility. "We found a breech, but it's tiny and we can only send your image through."

Rose looked up at her human Doctor, and understanding dwelled on both of their features. He had explained to her how he had seen her while he was dying. This was how. She had sent her image through to him.

"The Doctor's dying, and unless I get in there and tell him to fight, I'll never get my Doctor here," Rose said firmly. The Torchwood team set to work quickly to project Rose's image. It was only a short while later that she could see him, curled up on the ground and shaking as radiation tried to implode his body.

"My Doctor," she whispered gently. She knew he could see her. She quickly set to saving him, snapping at him. "Don't you dare."

She began to cry, desperate, angry tears. If he died here, today, she would never get her human Doctor here. She would be fully alone, maybe even dead. He had to fight. He had to live so he could die later. "Fight, my Doctor. Fight the pain. Don't you dare let it take you over!"

Her voice was growing frantic as she cried, "Come back to me. Don't you dare let it take you over!"

Rose felt the TARDIS intervene, making the image stronger and clearer. Tears streamed more heavily down her face until she was sobbing. Rose sent images to the TARDIS, images of her and her human Doctor holding hands and smiling and being happy. She was desperate. He was dying, and he wasn't even trying to live. "Fight, damn it, Doctor!" she screamed. "Fight for me!"

The image shattered and Rose collapsed to the ground, sobbing. Her Doctor ran to her, and scooped her into his arms, holding her while she cried.

"I'm sorry," she sobbed, trying to draw herself as close as possible to him. "I'm so, so sorry. You shouldn't have had to feel that pain, I should have fought harder to be with you while you died, I'm so sorry."

"Rose," he murmured. "It happened. It's over. I'm here with you now."

* * *

Weeks later, maybe even a few months, the Doctor and Rose strolled down the halls of Torchwood hand in hand. The Doctor had been reminiscing, thinking about his final thoughts through his regeneration. How he had finally accepted that Rose was gone because he knew she had to be happy with the Human Doctor. When he thought she would be happy because she would never know he had died. He would always be okay if she was happy.

"Are you happy?" he finally blurted out. Rose stopped walking and smiled at him. She stretched up on her toes.

"Course I am, you plum," she said softly, closing the distance between them with a kiss.

* * *

_Maybe it was fate, or maybe it was chance. But whatever it was, the acceptance stage was not what they expected it to be. They grew to love each other more and more every day, fully accepting that their past lives were gone. In the end, they never truly got past their final stage of grief. Because – in the end – they never fully lost each other._

**_Fin._**

**A/N: GUYS I DID IT AND I'M CRYING I FINALLY SAT DOWN AND MADE MYSELF WRITE THIS CHAPTER.**

**A lot of me not writing this was a block, but some of it was the fact that I wasn't ready for it to end ): this story has become a part of me, and I really do truly love it. I finally wrote it. I'm very sad! I've enjoyed writing this story a lot, and I am so, so pleased with the feedback I've gotten. This story is now complete ): I'm very sad! I do hope you enjoyed it, and I hope I did the ending justice.**

**In case you are still confused as to what I did, here is an explanation.**

**Ten and Tentoo are the same person. Ten is the present Doctor, and Tentoo is the future Doctor. The Doctor's personality or soul or whatever you want to call it split during the regeneration (that's why it was so powerful and why everything started to crash) and the TARDIS sent the soul back to Tentoo as Tentoo was being created out of Ten's hand and Donna's touch. Confused still? Me too o.O**

**Okay, I've babbled long enough. I'm just sad that it's over ):**

**Please check out my other stories! Especially Stranger on the Street Corner. That's the one I'm most excited about next (:**

**I love you all! Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading my story (':**

**Much love, always**

**xxxxKat (:**


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